Getting “one up”

Honestly I dont know how I’m going to beat this.

I want to be thin and not eat and not exercise. But I love exercising.

I want to be fit but I’m scared I over eat. I want to eat but I’m scared I dont get to exercise enough.

 

Its a real fuckup.

 

I was thinking today, that I’m scared of failure. I’m scared to fail at things so either I don’t even try, OR, I self sabotage.

 

Am I scared of failing

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What is your motivation RIGHT NOW?

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What should be getting me out of bed in the morning?

 

The family has hired you to look after their children. They have picked YOU and paid a shit ton of money for YOU to look after THEIR PRIZED POSSESSIONS, thereby making you INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT.

 

You are here, in Holland, to learn more about yourself and how you deal with children. You are here to work hard, and forget about the corporate world. You are here to get back in touch with the basics. The foundations of life, of learning how to be.

 

Slow down. Be present. Remember why you are here.

 

You are going to do a personal trainer course. This will help you to reach your goal of combining children and fitness.

 

You can control your body. You can choose to be happy by choosing to do what YOU want to and not what your BODY wants you to do. Remember; mind over matter. Fuck the powlees.

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W(o/a)nderer

What is going on in your mind and surroundings right now?

Notice without judgement; as an outsider taking notes with no feelings or judgements attached.

Remember: your thoughts are big puffy white clouds and can simply be observed as they move across a bright blue sky.

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She’s just had her first day as a mother, a proper mother, mothering two young children that she met 2 weeks ago.

The eldest child, 4 years of age, had a breakdown this morning because he wanted his father to stay home. This affected the youngest, 2, and ended up in them both crying and her having to laugh to stay sane.

She tried to get them to school on time by taking a “short cut”, trying to cycle as the crow flies, but she does not know the town well enough and got lost.

By 9 am she was back home and had to figure out how to clean the kitchen, do the laundry, iron the clothes which may not be tumble dried, take out the trash, prepare food and then pick the youngest up again at 12pm. She already worries about what she will do with him to keep him occupied, never mind the 4 year old who causes mischief and is much harder to keep entertained.

All she can think about is eating something sweet so that she can forget to focus and rather just enter auto pilot mode, and enter the second most natural thing a human can do after breathing; eating.

She fears that eating will make her fat. She feels that being fat will make her unloved. She fears that being fat and unloved is the most shameful of acts. However, she binges? She continues to eat and binge until she cannot even swallow, self inflicting that pain even when she know it will take her to the thing she fears most.

 

How can she break this cycle?

 

Deep in It: Happy vs unhappy = Like vs dont like?

Well. Here I am. Once again in the binge. I hate doing it but yet I do?

 

I realised something today. When had othorexia/anorexia, I was always upset by the way I was eating. I dont think I got pleasure from restricting, it was more that I didnt like it and thats why i did it.

Now, when I eat well, I like it, and thats why I binge – to be in that state of “not liking” again!!??

 

So:

Anorexia = Restrict = unhappy = liked it

Normal = Binge = unhappy = like it

Normal = Restrict = happy = DONT LIKE IT???

 

Why am I sabotaging myself like this????

 

Its almost like I need to be unhappy to be happy? WHAT THE FUCK?