I’m busy reading a book called Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute. Its about how we can learn to escape the box we live in and learn to interact with the people around us on a feeling level.
Chapter 4 is titled The Problem beneath Other Problems. So they say that if self-deception is the disease, then what is the actual cause of it. This got me thinking of my wide array of problems and their possible causes.
What problems do I have?
- Self-confidence issues (I don’t believe in myself)
- Struggle with food: I look at food as a tool to get fat or lose weight rather than a source of nourishment
- Anxiety: I’m nervous and anxious most of the time (bit nails, pick lips). I worry about the future and don’t enjoy the present. I worry that I will end up dependent on others. I worry that I will not be liked. I worry that I will be left alone without a job, money, even myself. I have to become my own best friend again.
- (All the body issues, lets not even go there)
After looking at all this negativity – I realised that even though I sit with ALL OF THIS, there are (miraculously) people that still love, like and enjoy being around me. So I made a new list…
What awesomeness do I have?
- I’m good at entertaining new opinions and ideas
- I have an awesome sense of humour
- I can pick up new skills easily
- I’m an amazing cook and baker
- My style is simple and never really dated
- I multi task well
- I can stay calm when others freak out. (But can I stay calm when others are calm? Do I strive to do the opposite in any situation? Resisting as I go? Rebelling? Fuck knows.)
- I’m kind to animals, kids and ballies (old people)
- I have a sick nose ring
- I have good legs
- I have a friendly smile!
- I draw pretty damn well
- I am able to commit to bettering myself when I REALLY put my mind to it
- I’m a good listener
- I write out RAD fitness and nutrition plans for people
- I get high on helping others and losing myself (uitryk) – QUESTION: Why do you want to lose yourself? What thoughts come when you do/don’t? – I feel needed, therefore I do more and forget about myself, therefore I disregard myself, therefore I hit really low lows because I don’t find happiness from within.
Convo with T-dogg:
I had a conversation with an old friend (we really go way back and he always seems to pop into my life at pivotal moments) and explained to him how I am trying to grow, and recognising all my issues and what the root cause of them are, but I’m just not able to move forward. I can see the problem and why its there, but from there I get stuck.
This was his awesome response:
“Instead of focusing on the “causes” and “problems”, focus on the “learnings” and “solutions”. Don’t worry about which cause is related to which problem, because by doing that you are staying focused on the negative and not moving into positivity and the present! By focusing on the problems you are staying in the past.
Once you have established the causes of your problems, what can you learn from them?
E.g. I had a problem where I asked a girl to marry and she wasn’t the right one.
What was the cause of this problem? I come from a big family, all my siblings are married with wonderful families, and its something that I want. I’ve been taking people and trying to make them fit into my picture of an ideal life. BUT I’m going to be the best husband and father I can be, I first need to make sure that I am independently a happy individual. HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN!
What is the solution & learning? I needed to focus my energy on the things that make me happy first as an independent individual. For me, that is spending time with friends and family, playing sport and being active, playing music and watching live gigs, getting creative. Ultimately I have to create my own happiness, and not rely on others for it.
The art of being happy is having good habits.
Never forget this feeling of unhappiness – you are feeling this way for a a reason! It means that you are on the brink of a huge growth spurt. Being happy takes work and patience, i.e. you are not going to feel on top of the world tomorrow, it’s a process.
What you need to do is instill good habits.
Therefore you need to identify habits that make you feel anxious, and bring you down, and then identify and create new habits that will fulfill you and bring you joy.
For example, I try to mediate once a day. Being cognisant of the fact that for 2 minutes I’m concentrating on my breathing. Once a week I make an effort to phone an old friend and take an interest in their life. Catch up! I now wake up earlier every day.”