Mud Masters and LIFE Training

So Mud Masters is coming up, and I’ve just started Crossfit at Crossfit Naarden, so I thought I’s set myself a little goal to get cracking into Beast Mode and fuck shit up at Mud Masters Biddinghuizen 2017!!

I have also just started seeing a psychologist who very aptly told me that I have attachment issues. #fun. This does make a loooot of sense though once I scratched into it a bit. Why don’t you do the test yourself and see what attachment style you have? It could clear up a lot of SHIT I tell you!


Mine came out being preoccupied at first, but now it says Fearful Avoidant? Fuck knows, I’ll ask the psych on Wednesday.


My body has gone from High School fat (chubby) teenager (a) , to Anorexic, to recovered, to elite Kayla Itsines Fitness, to emotional wreck which is basically the fat (chubby) teenager (b)again. The difference between fat (chubby) A and B is the fact that I now actually have muscle and technique, whereas before I was just a big ton of lard.


THEREFORE I have short term goals/lifestyle changes that I am putting in place which will of course become long term changes.

  1. Continue psychology with Dr and work through EMDR therapy.
  2. Do proper meal planning so that I don’t have to stress about food.
  3. Stick to a mostly plant based diet (this may change but for now I quite like it)
  4. Go to Crossfit at least four days a week and do cardio twice a week. (Or 3 and 3 but whatever, as long as you have workouts 6 days a week – no excuses)
  5. I really want to add “speak my truth” but I know that if I did that I would have to make a very hard decision that I don’t want to make yet.
  6. Speak to my friends when I am feeling low.
  7. Pray more!



I will now be going on the pill (hopefully Yaz) to stop the period cravings from ruining my fucking life. This isn’t exactly a goal but its a step so I thought I’d add it in here at the end.

“The moments that define you have already happened, and they will happen again.” – Peter Dinklage






I just watched an amazing TED Talk on the topic of Anorexia and recovery.

Some points that really stood out for me:

“Why? Why do we choose to starve ourselves, make ourselves sick and exercise into oblivion? Why do we choose to harm ourselves and those around us? The answer is simple, its not a choice; eating disorders are not a choice. They are a coping mechanism, a safety blanket, an identity. They make life simple by giving you a rule book for life. Rules that tell you how to live, what to do what to say what to eat. Rules take away chance and decision and they take away risk. They give you control.

Of course we all want to feel in control, but often demons arise. Alcoholism, drug abuse, self harm, eating disorders. All addictions. All seeking control in a world full of social constructs set by somebody else. Seeking escape from the torture they feel in everyday life. Seeking peace from the constant voice in their head telling them that they’re not good enough. Seeking numbness so that they don’t have to deal with their negative thoughts and emotions.

Eating disorders are not just about food and weight, they are an addiction, they are self harm. Every ED disorder is different from the way they start and how they present themselves, to the rules that govern them and the purpose that they serve. But that’s the common factor, they all serve a purpose.”

Every time I lose control things go haywire. Then I eat. When I am in control of my surroundings, I am in control of my food. When I am not in control of my work or heart, I seem to be not in control of food. This is where you need to be stricter.

“Anorexics hate food right? No. Deep down anorexics love food, they are just depriving themselves of something they love as a way of punishment.

The journey from anorexia to recovery is rarely linear.

If I recovered who would I become? What could I amount to? Recovery isn’t just about wanting it enough, you cant want it more than anything in the world, you can have so many reasons to recover but you just cant do it. It is the most terrifying concept imaginable. It Means letting go of control and leaving your comfort zone. Given long enough we find comfort in our suffering; we stay in the same job we hate, we drag out a dysfunctional relationship. I starved my self for days on end, understanding the consequences but so afraid to change.

It is impossible to recover from anorexia and keep your rules. You have to rip up your rule book. Anorexia gave me that reality check. I cant always be comfortable, I cant always have control and there is no rule book for life.


Below the video…. Xx


You are what you say you are

“You become what you think about all day long” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


I just had a major realisation, almost four months later from moving to Netherlands. As soon as I landed, I thought of myself as a home body, a mom looking after children. A mom who gets stressed and has to “deal” with her children all day long. A person who lives and works at home and doesn’t need to impress anybody.

What happened? I became exactly that. If I look at myself now, I don’t look like a young 25 year old traveller. I look like a home body who eats too much and is sad because she has to “deal” with her children instead of experience them!


I vow today that I will change my mind about myself. I already have some fantastic affirmations:








I will stick to this because this is what I will become.

“When you want something, all the universe conspires to achieve it.” – Paulo Coelho




What if?

What if this all works out exactly how I want it to, or better?
What if the reason things are the way they are is because this is what needs to happen for me to achieve my goals?
What if this is all a misunderstanding and everything is actually completely ok?
What if I go home and forget all about this, and it solves itself?
What if that attractive person over there is fantasizing about me right now?
What if I come by that money I need in the most unexpected way?
What if i had all the money in the world? What would you do?

I would buy myself a backpackers in Australia, in Byron Bay. I’d by a house in Camps Bay and some other awesome place to rent out, definitely a place in Fish Hoek too.

I’d have the best braai’s, kite-boarding instructors, surf instructors etc living on the premises. I’d have amazing food available for my guests. I’d have my black lab with my ALWAYS.

3 May 2017

I’m busy reading a book called  Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute. Its about how we can learn to escape the box we live in and learn to interact with the people around us on a feeling level.

Chapter 4 is titled The Problem beneath Other Problems. So they say that if self-deception is the disease, then what is the actual cause of it. This got me thinking of my wide array of problems and their possible causes.

What problems do I have?

  • Self-confidence issues (I don’t believe in myself)
  • Struggle with food: I look at food as a tool to get fat or lose weight rather than a source of nourishment
  • Anxiety: I’m nervous and anxious most of the time (bit nails, pick lips). I worry about the future and don’t enjoy the present. I worry that I will end up dependent on others. I worry that I will not be liked. I worry that I will be left alone without a job, money, even myself. I have to become my own best friend again. 
  • (All the body issues, lets not even go there)

After looking at all this negativity – I realised that even though I sit with ALL OF THIS, there are (miraculously) people that still love, like and enjoy being around me. So I made a new list…

What awesomeness do I have?

  • I’m good at entertaining new opinions and ideas
  • I have an awesome sense of humour
  • I can pick up new skills easily
  • I’m an amazing cook and baker
  • My style is simple and never really dated
  • I multi task well
  • I can stay calm when others freak out. (But can I stay calm when others are calm? Do I strive to do the opposite in any situation? Resisting as I go? Rebelling? Fuck knows.)
  • I’m kind to animals, kids and ballies (old people)
  • I have a sick nose ring
  • I have good legs
  • I have a friendly smile!
  • I draw pretty damn well
  • I am able to commit to bettering myself when I REALLY put my mind to it
  • I’m a good listener
  • I write out RAD fitness and nutrition plans for people
  • I get high on helping others and losing myself (uitryk) – QUESTION: Why do you want to lose yourself? What thoughts come when you do/don’t? – I feel needed, therefore I do more and forget about myself, therefore I disregard myself, therefore I hit really low lows because I don’t find happiness from within.


Convo with T-dogg:

I had a conversation with an old friend (we really go way back and he always seems to pop into my life at pivotal moments) and explained to him how I am trying to grow, and recognising all my issues and what the root cause of them are, but I’m just not able to move forward. I can see the problem and why its there, but from there I get stuck.

This was his awesome response:

“Instead of focusing on the “causes” and “problems”, focus on the “learnings” and “solutions”. Don’t worry about which cause is related to which problem, because by doing that you are staying focused on the negative and not moving into positivity and the present! By focusing on the problems you are staying in the past. 

Once you have established the causes of your problems, what can you learn from them?

E.g. I had a problem where I asked a girl to marry and she wasn’t the right one.

What was the cause of this problem? I come from a big family, all my siblings are married with wonderful families, and its something that I want. I’ve been taking people and trying to make them fit into my picture of an ideal life. BUT I’m going to be the best husband and father I can be, I first need to make sure that I am independently a happy individual. HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN!

What is the solution & learning? I needed to focus my energy on the things that make me happy first as an independent individual. For me, that is spending time with friends and family, playing sport and being active, playing music and watching live gigs, getting creative. Ultimately I have to create my own happiness, and not rely on others for it. 

The art of being happy is having good habits.

Never forget this feeling of unhappiness – you are feeling this way for a a reason! It means that you are on the brink of a huge growth spurt. Being happy takes work and patience, i.e. you are not going to feel on top of the world tomorrow, it’s a process.

What you need to do is instill good habits.

Therefore you need to identify habits that make you feel anxious, and bring you down, and then identify and create new habits that will fulfill you and bring you joy.

For example, I try to mediate once a day. Being cognisant of the fact that for 2 minutes I’m concentrating on my breathing. Once a week I make an effort to phone an old friend and take an interest in their life. Catch up! I now wake up earlier every day.” 


Indecision is the Thief of Opportunity

You are what you think you are. 

Decide, commit, act, repeat. 

The billionaire and the beggar both have 24 hours in a day. 


My drive for food is because my reptilian brain taught me that it makes me happy to eat. When I feel slightly sad, I eat. My emotional brain told me that food will make me happy because it allows me to escape the present moment. It allows me to * be sedated, as does getting drunk, and forget about what I am dealing with/feeling at present.

Your actions are not influenced by your thoughts, but by your emotions.

Thoughts come and go like clouds. You can be the silent watcher of your thoughts. How do your emotions take over? Your ego thinks your thoughts are real, your body connects to these thoughts, and then create emotional connections to them, that’s how.

“Do positive emotions then have the opposite effect on the physical body? Do they strengthen the immune system, invigorate and heal the body? They do, indeed, but we need to differentiate between positive emotions that are ego-generated and deeper emotions that emanate from your natural state of connectedness with Being.

Positive emotions generated by the ego already contain within themselves their opposite into which they can quickly turn. Here are some examples:

What the ego calls love is possessiveness and addictive clinging that can turn into hate within a second.

Anticipation about an upcoming event, which is the ego’s overvaluation of future, easily turns into its opposite—let down and disappointment—when the event is over or doesn’t fulfill the ego’s expectations.Praise and recognition make you feel alive and happy one day; being criticized or ignored make you dejected and unhappy the next. The pleasure of the wild party turns into bleakness and a hangover the next morning. There is no good without bad, no high without low.

Ego-generated emotions are derived from the mind’s identification with external factors which are, of course, all unstable and liable to change at any moment. The deeper emotions are not really emotions at all but states of Being. Emotions exist within the realm of opposites. States of Being can be obscured, but they have no opposite. They emanate from within you as the love, joy and peace that are aspects of your true nature.”

When I am sad/bored (and want to escape my current situation), I get a knot in my stomach (because I forget to be the watcher of my thoughts and stay present; I become anxious about what I have to/should be doing). The knot gets “taken away” by food – meanwhile it just sedates/distracts me from the present moment. I still feel like that once I’m done eating, unless I go to sleep and then I still wake up feeling like an asshole.

P.s. while writing this (a few days ago in my book) I had the urge to go get more food. I recognised, stayed present, WATCHED my thoughts, and in so doing I disconnected from it and it went away. Decide, commit, act, repeat. 

*While writing I totally got side tracked and ended up on Facebook. Another escape = social media. I went for a day without it and felt so damn good. Perhaps I should delete it from my phone?

Getting “one up”

Honestly I dont know how I’m going to beat this.

I want to be thin and not eat and not exercise. But I love exercising.

I want to be fit but I’m scared I over eat. I want to eat but I’m scared I dont get to exercise enough.


Its a real fuckup.


I was thinking today, that I’m scared of failure. I’m scared to fail at things so either I don’t even try, OR, I self sabotage.


Am I scared of failing